Trump’s Whole Brand Is Panic, Trevor Noah Says

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Don’t Panic

The big news on Wednesday was President Trump’s taped conversations with the journalist Bob Woodward, in which Trump acknowledged the severity of Covid-19 and said he’d downplayed it so Americans wouldn’t panic.

Trevor Noah found that to be a little off-brand. Causing panic, Noah said, is “literally his favorite thing.”

“Cities are burning, suburbs are collapsing, caravans of antifa Mexicans are committing Muslim voter fraud — his campaign slogan is basically, ‘Look out behind you!’” Noah said on Wednesday’s “Daily Show.”

“And look, I get that as a leader you don’t want people to panic, but you also want to inform the people so they can be safe. You know, if a plane is crashing, a pilot will tell you to remain calm, but they’ll also tell you to fasten your seatbelts and brace for impact. If Trump was a pilot, he’d be like, ‘Attention all passengers, everything is fine. Seatbelts are for snowflakes, and if you want to stretch your legs, now’s the perfect time. Bye-bye.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“You didn’t want to create a panic? So what did you want, for people to very calmly be dying in the streets?” — TREVOR NOAH

“Well, good job with that. This country’s never been more chill. A lot of people aren’t even moving.” — SETH MEYERS

“America’s as cool as a cucumber right now. Sure, we’re stealing toilet paper every time we go into a Starbucks, and Trader Joe’s looks like the last scene of ‘Apocalypse Now,’ but other than that, it’s all good, baby.” — SETH MEYERS

“Well, thank God. Thank God none of us panicked. You know, I might have freaked out and stayed inside for six months.” — JAMES CORDEN

“Yeah, it’s a catastrophic story for Trump that threatens to end his presidency, or as he calls it, ‘Wednesday.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Seriously, you didn’t want to create a panic? For the last six months, I’ve been opening doorknobs with my knees.” — JIMMY FALLON

“And this is really confusing, because at first, I thought Trump was too stupid to understand what was going on with the virus. But it turns out that he was actually smart about it in private. But he’s also stupid enough to tell Bob Woodward on tape.” — TREVOR NOAH

“Seriously, these tapes are really bad. Trump’s re-election prospects are sinking faster than a boat at a MAGA rally.” — JIMMY FALLON

“I’d say at this point, the dude needs to give himself some hush money.” — JIMMY FALLON

The Punchiest Punchlines (Bob Woodward Edition)

“And Trump aside, am I the only one who thinks it is crazy that people keep releasing books where they reveal that they have known the most incriminating things about Trump, but they only tell us about it now? I mean, imagine if Paul Revere had this attitude: ‘Are the British coming? Find out by pre-ordering my book on Amazon.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“Can I be honest? My beef is with Woodward on this one. It is. He had this information, he had the tape the whole time. Trump was out there saying, ‘Don’t worry, it will go away.’ He’s holding rallies, and Bob Woodward — Bob Woodward’s like, ‘This is too good. I am going to save this for my book seven months from now.’” — JAMES CORDEN

“I don’t know, maybe I’m being too critical. Before I pass judgment, I should read the other 40 Trump books that came out this week.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Imagine if Bob Woodward’s job was always this easy. It’s as if Nixon walked up to him in 1973 and said, ‘Hello, Bob, did you know I did Watergate? This is a pretty cool parking garage, huh? Well, bye.’” — SETH MEYERS

“And, hey, Bob Woodward, you had this tape months ago and we’re just now hearing about it? What else is in your book, the cure for disco fever?” — SETH MEYERS