Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
‘Vice President Is Not Essential Work’
Five members of Vice President Mike Pence’s inner circle tested positive for the coronavirus this week, including his chief of staff, Marc Short. The vice president tested negative. Despite guidelines by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommending a 14-day quarantine, the White House justified Mr. Pence’s continued campaigning, referring to him as “an essential worker.”
“He’s vice president,” Stephen Colbert said on Monday. “At best, he is vice essential. He’s America’s spare tire. You want him in the trunk, but you hope to never have to use him.”
“Of course, the most infectious part of the country is the Trump administration.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Even Joe Biden is like, ‘Trust me, being vice president is not essential work.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Honestly, though, people, I’m not mad at Pence; I’m just disappointed in him. Because I get Trump not following the rules — we know he can’t read — but don’t tell me that Mike Pence can’t follow strict protocols. I mean, that dude’s rules about being around women are more complicated than the rules for meeting the queen.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Now, if Pence hasn’t caught Corona, this is actually some really good information for us to learn about the virus, because now we know that you can get the virus if you’re breathing the same air as someone who is positive but you clearly can’t catch the virus if you spend all your time kissing that person’s ass.” — TREVOR NOAH
“And yeah, I know people go to Trump rallies after he got Covid, but that’s Trump — his rallies are fun. That’s worth getting corona for. No one wants to get corona from Mike Pence, especially because he already makes you feel like you have corona. Yeah, you know, after he talks, you’re exhausted, it’s hard to breathe, and you just want to lie down.” — TREVOR NOAH
“That’s right, the coronavirus is spreading through the Coronavirus Task Force. But don’t worry, the White House is now forming a task force to figure out what went wrong with the task force.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Seriously, it doesn’t instill a lot of confidence that the head of the Coronavirus Task Force’s office got the coronavirus. It’s like if the Avengers got mugged.” — JIMMY FALLON
“As far as we know, the virus cannot be transmitted between humans and poodles so he should be OK.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Yep, the only place the coronavirus is rounding the corner is in the halls of the White House.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Meanwhile, when Pence saw he was trending online, he was like, ‘Oh, no — do I have another fly on my head?’” — JIMMY FALLON
“That’s right, Pence will continue to campaign, ’cause not even Covid can stop people from seeing the electricity and raw sexual magnetism that is Mike Pence in person.” — JIMMY FALLON
“We wish them all a speedy recovery, of course we do, both from the virus and from thinking it was ever a good idea to work for Mike Pence.” — JAMES CORDEN
“Despite all of this, Pence himself still has not tested positive because even the virus isn’t interested in Mike Pence.” — JAMES CORDEN
“It’s like the coronavirus won the Super Bowl, except it already made trips to Disneyland and the White House.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Punchiest Punchlines (Don’t Stop Now Edition)
“In response this weekend, the White House dispatched chief of staff and last boy picked for the white pride kickball game, Mark Meadows. Yesterday, Meadows went on CNN to reassure a worried nation that you’re on your own.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The White House’s new plan to stop the virus is to stop trying to stop it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“Interesting, so the plan is to just let coronavirus spread freely throughout America? It’s interesting how zen Trump’s people are about this, you know, because with an immigrant child who came over the border, they’re like: ‘Zero tolerance! One is too many! We have to deport!’ But with a virus that’s killing hundreds of thousands of Americans they’re like: ‘Look, man, the virus is just trying to make a better life in our lungs. Who are we to stop it?’” — TREVOR NOAH
“The White House has said, ‘It is what it is’ and ‘We are not going to control it.’ They talk about Covid like it’s a wild teen on ‘Dr. Phil.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“OK, so after eight months of not really trying, now they’re just giving up. That’s not good. That’s like if Mothers Against Drunk Driving changed its name to Mothers Who Realize, Hey, You Gotta Get Home From the Bar Somehow.”— STEPHEN COLBERT
“At this point, the mayor from ‘Jaws’ would be an upgrade.” — SETH MEYERS
“I can safely say I’ve never seen a world leader get bored of a crisis.” — TREVOR NOAH
“You know what? I think I figured it out — he’s jealous of the virus. He’s upset that Covid is getting more attention than he is.” — JIMMY KIMMEL, on Trump’s tiring of Covid talk
The Bits Worth Watching
Bruce Springsteen, on “The Daily Show” Monday night, shared how politics and spirituality shape his songwriting.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Tig Notaro will talk about the new season of “Star Trek: Discovery” on Tuesday’s “Tonight Show.”
Also, Check This Out
The new Netflix show “Song Exploder” has artists like Alicia Keys and R.E.M. explaining how they created some of their most inspired tracks.
