Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.
Trump’s Blue Note
This week, President Trump suggested that America’s Covid-19 death rate was low compared to the rest of the world’s, “if you take the blue states out.”
On Thursday’s “Late Night,” Seth Meyers said he knew people affected by the virus and that he didn’t appreciate the remark from “President Caligula.”
“But sure, if you just take out all the people that died, then you did a great job, dude,” Meyers said. “By the same token, if you take out all his albums, Kid Rock has had a fantastic career.”
“Wow, OK, so by that logic, the more blue states we have, the better the job you did on this virus. I think we’re about to see Fox anchors telling viewers to help the president by voting for Biden: ‘Good news for President Trump, as Florida has been called for Joe Biden, thus putting the blood on his hands.’” — SETH MEYERS
“This has to be one of the most grotesque things the president has ever said. I’m sure Trump’s not our first sociopath president, but he’s definitely the first one who’s open about it. He’s the kid who lights ants on fire for fun and when you catch him doing it, he says, ‘It’s not what you think — torturing living things gives me joy.’” — SETH MEYERS
“And by the way, the only way they can get away with this stuff is because we have an ass-backwards Electoral College system that lets Republican vampires write off anyone who doesn’t live in like a dozen swing states.” — SETH MEYERS
“If we had a national popular vote, Trump and the G.O.P. would have to campaign in places like Portland or New York City. And I personally would love to see him try to pander to Portlanders by growing a mustache and riding a penny farthing to an artisanal pickle store.” — SETH MEYERS
“Did this dude just try to pull the ‘if you eat around the mold, everything’s fine’ move, but with corona deaths?” — TREVOR NOAH
“I mean, while we’re at it, why don’t we just not count the red states, too? Then the U.S. has zero deaths, which is pretty impressive if you ask me.” — TREVOR NOAH
“It’s pretty astounding that a leader — a leader — would even think of his country in that way. You can’t just write off entire states. My man, this isn’t the Electoral College; the popular vote counts.” — TREVOR NOAH
“[imitating Trump] So, if you don’t count the racial tension and the economy, it’s been a pretty smooth six months, wouldn’t you say?” — JIMMY FALLON
“Also, and I know this is going to shock you, Trump’s wrong. Because the states with the most deaths are New York, New Jersey, Texas, California and Florida, which are, of course, the states with the largest populations in the country. So he’s just saying if you don’t count states with people, he’s done a great job.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Forget the presidency — I wouldn’t trust Trump to run a middle school field trip.”— STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Heat Ray Edition)
”To be fair, the administration doesn’t just want to expose people to a deadly virus, they also want to flame-broil protesters.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Damn, I can’t believe this is real life. Federal police wanted to use a heat ray against peaceful protesters outside the White House? At this point, guys, can we admit Trump is essentially a real-life Bond villain?” — TREVOR NOAH
“By the way, what a crazy way to learn that America’s military has a heat ray. This is the same country that can’t find money for veterans or health care or teachers, but somehow has a giant microwave gun just lying around. You know, just in case we want to Hot Pocket the Middle East.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Sorry, what? A heat ray? Who are his advisers, a bunch of Minions stacked on top of each other?”— JIMMY FALLON
“Even Kim Jong-un was like, ‘That’s pretty messed up, dude.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“A heat ray. Apparently Trump ripped out a page of The X-Men comic and was like, ‘This!’” — JIMMY FALLON
“OK there’s been a lot of back and forth about these protests, but if anyone is still wondering who the bad guys are in this conflict, it might be the ones who say, ‘The protesters are at the gates. Bring forth the heat ray!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The heat ray produces a magnetic field, similar to a microwave. Strong enough to hurt like crazy without leaving burns. Of course, to heat your protesters evenly, you’re gonna want them to stand on a rotating plate.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
John David Washington, an actor who once played professional football, appeared on Thursday night’s “Desus & Mero” to discuss his starring role in Christopher Nolan’s “Tenet.”
Also, Check This Out
Claudia Rankine tackles whiteness and racism in “Just Us,” her new collection of prose, poems, photos, data graphs and screenshots of social media posts and videos.
